Stalking Students
by JojoBlond
Summary: The Marauders become Stalkers...of EVERYONE!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Although I don't own Harry Potter or the Marauders, I am able to manipulate them in any way I can. /Evil laugh/ I'm done…

/This is Actions/

**Chapter 1: Stalking McGonagall**

/The group is currently hidden underneath James' Invisibility cloak/

James: Sirius! Watch where you're stepping!

Sirius: Well its kind of hard when you have four people in here! It's cramped!

Peter: Are you saying that I'm fat?

/Blank stares/

Peter: I'll shut up now…

Sirius: Good idea, Wormtail.

/Group continues down corridor and occasional yelps of pain can be heard from one of the four boys. The boys continue until they reach the door to McGonagall's office, which is open slightly/

Sirius: I wonder what she's doing…

James: Sirius, this is the fifth time today that we've gone out looking for McGonagall. Don't you think that it's a bit…obsessive?

Sirius: James, don't be stupid! I want to find out McGonagall _REALLY_ does when students aren't around.

Remus: We've been following her around for four days!

Sirius: Three.

Remus: Same thing.

Sirius: /Peers inside office/

Inside office:

/McGonagall is inside, writing Dumbledore's name all over her chalkboard with hearts all around it. Romantic music is playing. McGonagall is wearing her bathrobe and her hair is down/

Peter: Wow, she's hot at night!

James, Sirius, Remus: /Whacks Peter HARD/ BAD THOUGHTS! GET THEM OUT!

Peter: But it's true…

Sirius: Excuse us…/Grabs Peter's shirt collar and begins to hit Peter's head until Peter says that all bad thoughts are gone. Sirius still continues/ This is fun! Come try it! His head makes a hollow sound!

James: Really? Amazing! /Hits Peter's head/ It does! And its fun!

Remus: Hey, let me try! /Starts knocking on Peter's head/ The fun never ends!

James: /Straightens up/ Well, time to get our spying over with.

Sirius: Yes, I agree with Jamesy.

James: /Ignores nickname and looks into office to see that McGonagall transfigured a desk into Dumbledore and is dancing with him/

Sirius: How obsessive can she get?

McGonagall: Albus, I'm glad we're finally alone.

James: Pretty obsessed.

Remus: MY EYES! THEY BURN!

Peter: /Cowering in corner/ Don't hit me, don't hit me, don't hit me…

Sirius: STUDENTS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE PDA's BETWEEN TEACHERS!!!!! IT'S JUST WRONG!!

James: It was _your_ idea.

Sirius: Yeah, but I didn't expect to see this!

James: Well what _did_ you expect?

Sirius: Something to be used as blackmail!

James: Uh, Sirius? There it is /Motions to door/

Sirius: /Grins/ You're right!

James: Wow, someone's slow tonight…

Sirius: DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY!!! No, wait, that's Peter…

Peter: HEY!

Group: /Ignores Peter/

Remus: Sirius?

Sirius: /Currently in as deep a thought as he can get/ Yes, Moony?

Remus: Shut up.

Sirius: That's mean!

Remus: I'm sorry! /Hugs Sirius/

Sirius: Get off me! /Shoves Remus away/

Remus: /Begins crying/ NO ONE LOVES ME!

Peter: I love you, Remus!

Remus: /Edges away from Peter/ Uh, no thanks…

Peter: NO ONE LOVES ME! /Begins crying/

/No one comments/

Sirius: /Continues taking incriminating pictures of McGonagall. Suddenly becomes distracted with a shiny knob on the camera/ It's…so…shiny…

James: Sirius? Sirius! /Shakes Sirius and begins wailing/ NO! SIRIUS HAS BEEN CAPTURED BY THE SHINYNESS! NO! I'VE LOST MY BEST FRIEND!

Sirius: Dude, I'm right here.

James: /Stops crying/ Oh, ok.

Remus: /Suddenly takes off down the hall/ COME BACK CHOCOLATE BAR!

James: NO! HIS OBSESSION WITH CHOCOLATE HAS RESURFACED!

Sirius: WE MUST DO SOMETHING! CHARGE!

/James and Sirius sprint after Remus, leaving Peter sobbing by the door. McGonagall comes out after hearing him/

McGonagall: MR. PETTIGREW! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!

Peter: /Doesn't notice McGonagall/ NO ONE LOVES ME! /Suddenly notices McGonagall/ Do YOU love me, professor?

McGonagall: /Inches away/ Erm, get to bed, Mr. Pettigrew.

Peter: /Continues to cry/ I FEEL SO ALONE! NO ONE LOVES ME!

* * *

well, what do you think? My first attempt at humor and a Harry Potter fic. Let me know what you think! Be blunt!

R&R!

Jojo


	2. Spying on Dumbledore

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the marauders or other characters that I use. BUT I DO own the right to manipulate them as long as I state that they are not mine. Heh.

-Last Chapter-

Remus: /Suddenly takes off down the hal/l COME BACK CHOCOLATE BAR!   
James: NO! HIS OBSESSION WITH CHOCOLATE HAS RESURFACED!

Sirius: WE MUST DO SOMETHING! CHARGE!

/James and Sirius sprint after Remus, leaving Peter sobbing by the door. McGonagall comes out after hearing him/

McGonagall: MR. PETTIGREW! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!

Peter: /Doesn't notice McGonagall/ NO ONE LOVES ME! /Suddenly notices McGonagall/ Do YOU love me, professor?

McGonagall: /Inches away/ Erm, get to bed, Mr. Pettigrew.

Peter: /Continues to cry/ I FEEL SO ALONE! NO ONE LOVES ME!

----------------------

**Chapter 2: Spying on Dumbledore**

James: /Catches up with Remus and tackles him to the ground/ REMUS! CONTROL THE OBSESSION!

Remus: NO! I WANT MY CHOCOLATE!

Sirius: /Helps hold Remus down/ Remus! It's unhealthy! Let go of chocolate! It will ruin you!

Remus: /Crying because he can't get the chocolate/ But I want it so badly!

James: Look, I'll give you a…a pink…fluffy…bunny…if you control yourself!

Sirius: A pink fluffy bunny?

Remus: /Brightens up/ You mean like the ones that I played with as a child?

/Blank stares/

James: Uh…yeah.

Remus: /Jumps up/ Ok then!

Sirius: /mutters/ Unbelievable…

James: Well, let's go to bed. I'm tired.

Remus: Me too.

Sirius: Me three.

/Blank stares again/

Sirius: What? Did I say something wrong?

/James and Remus ignore him. The three start walking back to Gryffindor Tower. They fail to notice that Peter is gone and fall asleep/

Next day:

James: So, who shall we stalk next?

Sirius: I don't know…

Peter: I've got an idea!

/Blank stares again/

Peter: Um, never mind…

Sirius: Wait! I've got a plan! /Fade out/

/Fades back in at around midnight five nights later in the corridors. The Marauders are under the Invisibility cloak again/

Remus: Remind me why we're stalking Dumbledore for the fifth night in a row.

James: Because if we find out that Dumbledore likes McGonagall, and if we get proof, then we can use it as blackmail. Neither teacher will know about it!

Remus: Oh, ok. That's a pretty good plan.

James: I know. It was Sirius' idea.

Remus: /Jaw hits floor/ Impossible!

Sirius: /Begins crying/ That hurts, Remus!

Remus: I'm sorry! /Decides not to hug Sirius/

Sirius: If you're sorry then where's the hug?

Remus: I don't want a repeat of last time.

Sirius: Oh.

Peter: Hey, we're almost there!

/The group is passing by the staff room/

James: Peter, you dolt! We're going to Dumbledore's office, which has a door in it that leads to his bedroom!

Peter: How do you know that?

James: /Looks uncomfortable/ I'm James Potter, that's how!

Peter: Oh, ok.

Remus and Sirius: /begin snickering/

James: /Heads down the hallway and up to the stone gargoyle/ Sugar Quills.

/Gargoyle jumps to life and springs out of the way. Marauders head up stairs and into office/

Peter: Where's the door?

/The door is in plain site right across from them/

Sirius: If you'll excuse us for a minute. /Grabs Peter's collar and pulls him to the side, where he begins beating Peter's head/

Remus: Uh, Sirius? How's that going to help when it only makes Peter dumber?

James: /Smirks/ He must have been hit a lot as a baby, then.

Peter: Yeah…hey, wait a minute!

/Rest of the group ignores Peter/

Sirius: /Is still whacking Peter/

James: Sirius, stop hitting him. If you make him any dumber then he'll go up to McGonagall and tell her what we did tonight.

Sirius: Great Scott, you're right! /Stops hitting Peter/

Peter: You guys are all mean.

/Everyone ignores Peter again/

Remus: Well, are we going to get our blackmail or what?

Sirius: /Holds up camera/ Getting it.

/Everyone peers inside Dumbledore's bedroom. Inside, Dumbledore is staring at pictures of Madame Pomfry and McGonagall. Meanwhile, he is listening to the song "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck". He is doing the chicken dance in his pajamas/

James: …Sirius?

Sirius: Yes, Jamesy?

James: Do you see Dumbledore doing the chicken dance?

Sirius: Yes.

James: Ok. Just making sure that I was sane.

Sirius: You _aren't_ sane.

James: Hmm, that's true.

Remus: Guys! Are we taking the pictures or what?

Sirius: All right, sheesh, just give me a minute. /Begins taking embarrassing photos of Dumbledore/ Ok, I'm done. Let's get out of here!

Peter: /Looking at Fawkes the Phoenix/ So…pretty…

/No one notices his new obsession. Instead, the other three hurry and leave without Peter/

Peter: /Notices they are gone/ Hey! Wait for me!

/No one waits. The Marauders go back to bed for the night/

* * *

Well, what do you think? I hope its funny. I need inspiration, though. So ideas are welcome. I've got a GREAT idea for the next chapter, though. So just hang tight and wait!

Reviews:

flirting-with-suicide: that's true, no one DOES love him. good thing, too.

Autumn Snow: I feel stupid, but what's OOC? And yes, he's obsessed with chocolate. What's better than being obsessed with a sweet to a point that you'd hunt for it?

piffluvsu: actually, I wrote the story. BUT I DID use some jokes between ash and I. BUT I STILL WROTE IT DOWN FIRST! MWAHAHA! Yes, too much free time anyway…and keep the purple penguins penned, please!

im1smartblonde: isn't randomness the best? Careful with the sporks…they're plotting…

R&R!

Jojo


	3. Snape Needs Mental Help

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. BUT, as seen last chapter, I can make the characters do what I want. Example: Dumbledore with the chicken dance. Mwahaha.

-Last Chapter-

Remus: Guys! Are we taking the pictures or what?

Sirius: All right, sheesh, just give me a minute. /Begins taking embarrassing photos of Dumbledore/ Ok, I'm done. Let's get out of here!

Peter: /Looking at Fawkes the Phoenix/ So…pretty…

/No one notices his new obsession. Instead, the other three hurry and leave without Peter/

Peter: /Notices they are gone/ Hey! Wait for me!

/No one waits. The Marauders go back to bed for the night/

**Chapter 3: Snape Needs Mental Help**

James: /Yawns and stretches/ Wake up! We've got plotting to do today!

Sirius: /Mutters/ Five more minutes…

James: /Hops out of bed and pours a bucket of ice water on Sirius' head/

Sirius: /Bolts upright/ James!

James: You wouldn't get up.

/By now Remus and Peter are up/

Remus: What's going on?

Sirius: James dumped water on my head!

Remus: Is that all?

Sirius: /Looks thoughtful/ Yeah, pretty much.

Remus: Ok.

James: Well, we've got to plan who we're going to stalk today.

Remus: Aren't we done yet? I mean, we've got blackmail on Dumbledore AND McGonagall. Who ELSE do you want to blackmail?

James and Sirius: Snape.

Remus: Oh, ok. Sounds good.

James: /Grins/ Good. We start tonight at midnight.

That night at Midnight:

/Marauders are under the invisibility cloak/

Sirius: Ow! Peter, watch where you're going!

Peter: I didn't step on your foot! That was Sirius!

Sirius: I AM Sirius!

Peter: Oh. Uh oh…

Sirius: What, did you think I was James?

Peter: /Silence/

Sirius: You did! /Smacks Peter on head/

James: What's wrong with thinking that you're me, Siri? It only means that he thought you were as good-looking as me.

Sirius: I look better than you!

James: Is that so?

Sirius: Yes! I've had more girlfriends!

James: So? I'm waiting on Lily Evans.

Sirius: Dude, she doesn't like you.

James: /Begins crying/ Don't say that! It's mean!

Remus: Looks like SOMEONES a little oversensitive…

James: /Straightens up/ Let's go find Snape.

Sirius and Remus: /Shake heads/

Peter: /Becomes distracted by an owl feather on the floor/ It's so pretty…

Sirius: Dolt. /Grabs Peter and drags him along/

/Marauders arrive at the entrance to Slytherin Tower. Say the password and go in up dormitory stairs and to the door to the fifth year boys' dormitory/

Sirius: /Jaw drops/ Am I dreaming?

James: /Also in shock/ I don't think so.

Remus: /Eyes wide/ I don't think so.

Peter: Is it Christmas yet?

James: /Whacks Peter on head and knocks him out/

Sirius: I'll give that a ten!

Remus: I second the motion!

Sirius: What's that mean?

Remus: I don't know, but it sounds cool.

Sirius: Oh ok.

/Marauders turn back to opening of door and look in. Snape's bed is closest to the door. He is sitting up in bed in Carebear Pajamas stroking a picture of Lily Evans/

Snape: Soon, my dear. Soon, we will be together…

James: Must…kill…Snape…

Sirius and Remus: /Hold James back/

Sirius: If we take humiliating pictures of him, copy them, and put them up all over the school, he'll die!

James: Oh, ok. Can I kill him before he dies of humiliation?

Remus: Yes.

James: Ok.

Sirius: /Begins taking pictures/

Snape: /Puts away picture of Lily and picks up something else. Marauders see that it is a teddy bear/ Well, time for bed, Mr. Booboo. We need our sleep for tomorrow.

James, Remus, and Sirius: /Trying VERY HARD not to laugh/

Snape: /Lies down on bed and sticks thumb in mouth/

Marauders: /STILL trying hard not to laugh/

James: Sirius, hurry and take more pictures.

Sirius: /Takes more pictures/ This is golden!

James: /Grins/ I know. This is perfect blackmail AND humiliation.

Remus: We'd better get going. Peter's waking up. Next thing you know, he'll start singing "I'm a Little Teapot".

James: Oh, right.

Marauders: /Drag Peter up to Gryffindor Tower and leave him in the Common Room/

James: Well, I'm going to bed. Night all.

Sirius: Night, James.

Remus: Night Sirius.

Sirius: Night Remus.

James: Just go to sleep!

Next morning:

/Pictures of Snape in Carebear pajamas, holding a teddy bear, and sucking his thumb are up all over the school/

Lily: Is that SNAPE?

James: Yup. Isn't it disgraceful?

Lily: More like embarrassing.

James: Same thing.

Snape: /Sees Lily talking to James/ NO! Lily! It's not what you think! /Starts to run forward and then is tripped by Sirius/

Lily: Um, I think I'm going to go now…

Snape: NO!

Marauders: You're pathetic.

Peter: You're cool! Who knew that there was someone who did the exact things I do before I go to bed!

James: /Glares at Peter/ He…will…not…get…Lily!

Peter: Uh oh.

James: /Runs after Peter, screaming hexes/

Sirius: Well, this should be interesting. /Two reclining chairs suddenly pop up behind him. He and Remus sit down/ Pass the popcorn, Remus.

* * *

Hey! Here's another chapter! I hope you all like it! I wanted to get this up on Thursday or Friday, but Thursday I had a track meet that started late, and it was Freezing Cold! I couldn't feel my hands OR legs! Well, that was before my 800 race. Anyway, sorry I didn't post sooner and I hope you like this!

Reviews:

SparkilyDragnStikers: Really, who's counting? I know I'm not. Yes, I'm glad you like this!

Mistress-Genari: Sorry it was cheesy. Was NOT going for that. I'm really hoping that this isn't cheesy. If it is, I'll have to hit my head with a brick.

piffluvsu: Yeah, it's easy to see Dumbledore doing that. That IS sad. And if you sick Inuyasha on me, I'll just give him ramen! Mwahahaha! Ok, I'm done…

Hi Im Crazy: HE IS SO STUPID! That's what makes it so great to hit him!

Ra's little pyro: Yeah, it's so fun to see people being mean to him. Yeah, they were friends, but that doesn't mean that the Marauders didn't hit him for being so stupid!

Sirius R Black: It's pretty easy to see Dumbledore doing the chicken dance, isn't it?

Ron's Best Mate: Updated as soon as possible! I'll try to update sooner next time!

Zork the Unbearable: I didn't know this was THAT good. I'm surprised that it's brilliant. But hey, I'm not complaining, so I'll go with it.

Autumn Snow: I'm glad you were just kidding about Remus and Sirius. That would have been WRONG.

SIRIUS-IS-MINE: Lol, that quote rocks! I can see a place for it in a future chapter evil grin Thanks for the idea!

R&R!

-Jojo-


	4. Wonder if Malfoy's a Girl

Disclaimer: If I owned any of the Marauders or any of the other characters from the books, then Peter wouldn't be as stupid as he is in my story. I guess…

-Last Time-

Snape: /Sees Lily talking to James/ NO! Lily! It's not what you think! /Starts to run forward and then is tripped by Sirius/

Lily: Um, I think I'm going to go now…

Snape: NO!

Marauders: You're pathetic.

Peter: You're cool! Who knew that there was someone who did the exact things I do before I go to bed!

James: /Glares at Peter/ He…will…not…get…Lily!

Peter: Uh oh.

James: /Runs after Peter, screaming hexes/

Sirius: Well, this should be interesting. /Two reclining chairs suddenly pop up behind him. He and Remus sit down/ Pass the popcorn, Remus.

---------------------------

**Chapter 4: Wonder if Malfoy's a Girl…**

Sirius: /Falls back on to bed/ I'm tired.

James: Me too. /Sighs/ But this is what happens when you blackmail Snape.

Remus: Well, I for one am glad it's over. Now we can go back to our normal lives without stalking anyone.

James and Sirius: /Surprised expression/

James: What do you mean, "without stalking anyone"?

Sirius: Didn't you know that we're still going to stalk people?

Remus: /Groans/ Haven't you had enough YET?

Sirius and James: NO!

Remus: /Sighs/ in defeat Fine. Who are we stalking this time?

James: /Devious grin/ Malfoy.

Remus: /Groans/ Do you have any idea how much trouble we could get into if we're caught?

James and Sirius: No.

Sirius: But doesn't the thought of mortally humiliating Malfoy sound like any fun to you?

Remus: Just a bit.

Sirius: Then it's settled! We stalk tonight!

James: Um, Sirius? It IS nighttime.

Sirius: Oh…tomorrow night, then!

Remus: /Whispers to James/ Does the thought of him leading us scare you?

James: What are you talking about? I'M the leader.

Remus: Oh…I knew that…

Peter: /Suddenly sits up on bed/ Who took my Chocolate Frogs?

Sirius: /Looks innocent/ Wasn't me. Must have been…a…Carebear…yeah…

Peter: The Carebears visit me at night? Yay! /Begins setting out sweets and pulls out pictures of Carebears/ I've got to get ready for them!

James: This is seriously disturbing.

Remus: I think I'm gonna be sick!

Sirius: NO! NOT THE CAREBEARS! THEY'VE HAUNTED ME MY WHOLE LIFE! MY EYES! THEY BURN AT THE SIGHT!

James: Calm down and let's go to the Common Room.

Sirius: /Stops screaming/ Okay. Sounds good.

/Sirius, James, and Remus leave the dormitory and stay in the Common Room over night so that they don't have to listen to Peter sing to his Carebear dolls/

Next Morning:

James: /Yawns and stretches/ Well, that wasn't the BEST night I've ever had…

Sirius: But it was better than hearing Peter giggle like a girl, thinking that the Carebears were coming.

James: Too true.

Remus: /Shudders at thought of Peter singing/ That was the most horrific event I've ever witnessed.

James and Sirius: Same here.

Sirius: /Suddenly brightens/ So, shall we go find Malfoy?

James and Remus: Yes, let's.

Around 11 that night:

Sirius: Are you sure that this is the way to the Slytherin's dormitory?

James: I'm positive. This is the way we came last night, after all.

Sirius: It is?

Remus: Yes! Don't you remember?

Sirius: Uh…no?

Remus: Oh.

Peter: Wow, he has a memory that rivals mine!

James: Peter, do you know what 'rivals' means?

Peter: Thinks for a moment Wait…er…I just…no! I can't remember! I don't know!

Remus: I knew it. It was just too big of a word.

James: It was only one syllable.

Remus: …Don't make fun of me just because you're dumber than I am!

James: What? I never said that! And that was just plain cruel, Remus! /Begins crying/

Remus: I'm so sorry, Jamesy! /Hugs James/

James: It's okay. /Hugs Remus back

Sirius: TOO MUCH LOVE! MAKE IT STOP!

James and Remus: /Stop hugging/

Sirius: Thanks.

/Group continues down to Slytherin Tower and up to the boy's dormitory. Looks through crack in door and James, Remus, and Sirius nearly fall over laughing/

/Inside room, Malfoy is dancing to a Brittney Spears CD, singing "Sometimes". He's wearing bright white pajamas with pink bunnies on them. He then bends down and kisses a picture of Lily. After that, he pulls out a bright pink tube of lip gloss and begins putting it on his lips, then kissing Lily's picture again/

James: /Gets VERY mad/ Must…kill…Malfoy…because…he…likes…Lily…

Sirius: Calm down, James.

James: BUT HE LOVES MY LILY!

Peter: She's not necessarily your Lily.

James: What does 'necessarily' mean? Huh? Huh?

Peter: Um…I DON'T KNOW! /Begins crying/

James: I knew it. /Whacks Peter numerous times until he is unconscious/

Sirius: Okay then…

Remus: Well, time for work.

Sirius: Agreed.

/Sirius starts taking pictures for blackmail/

Remus: Hey, we can get a lot of stuff with this incriminating evidence.

Sirius: Yeah. I can get a new broom!

Remus: I can buy more books!

James: I can buy Lily!

Sirius: Dude, girls can't be bought! How stupid can you be?

James: It was just a thought…

Remus: A very stupid thought.

James: /Begins crying/ I just want Lily to like me!

Remus: /Pats James on the back/ I know. Just wait it out.

James: /Sniffs/ Okay.

Sirius: Well, we're done. We should get back.

Remus and James: /Nod agreement/

/Group heads back to Gryffindor Tower dragging Peter. They leave him on the stairs this time and head up to their dormitory, only to find a note from a Carebear, saying that it loved the sweets and how much Peter loves the Carebears/

Sirius: NO! EVIL! GET IT AWAY! /Pulls out a crucifix/

James: Sirius, that won't work.

Sirius: NO! HOW WILL I PROTECT MYSELF?!

Remus: No idea.

Sirius: I feel so…unsafe. I need a hug.

/No one hugs him/

Sirius: I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

/Marauders go to bed/

Next morning:

/Marauders go down to Great Hall, only to find Malfoy talking to Lily outside the doors/

Malfoy: And I just wanted to say, Lily, that I love you.

James: DIE MALFOY! /Lunges forward and lands between Lily and Malfoy/

Lily: /Slightly freaked out/ Ok, um, bye! /Runs off/

Malfoy: Wait! Lily! My love!

James: I'LL KILL YOU MALFOY!

Malfoy: /Runs away screaming like a girl/

James: /Chases after him/

Sirius: /Sighs/ Well, Remus. I'm hungry. Feel like going to breakfast?

Remus: Sure.

/James is trying to strangle Malfoy in the background. Remus and Sirius head into Great Hall without looking back/

* * *

Sorry I didn't update sooner. But yeah, things have been hectic. And we're getting ready for my brother's graduation, so it's gotten even BUSIER around my house. Anyway, on to reviews:

Hi Im Crazy: Snape IS pathetic. And Peter is so stupid! Only another reason to hurt him each chapter.

A.M.bookworm247: yeah, it might be bad if you laughed in class. That's the second time my fic has been called brilliant! Yay!

im1smartblonde: LOL. No, not the army of fuzzy multi-colored sporks! I hope I updated soon enough. O well. TIME TO ARM BATTLEMENTS!

Autumn Snow: Torturing Peter is awesome! Try it sometime. The fun never ends!

SIRIUS-IS-MINE: Yes, carebear pjs. Kind of odd for a guy…but oh well. Those quotes rock!!

o scorched eggy: no more American history with making fun of political leaders for Ashley! But if that happened, then things wouldn't be as funny. Yes, they need overhead lights in the wizarding world.

piffluvsu: too bad for you, because I don't accept anonymous reviews! Mwahahaha gag, cough, wheeze I'm fine. And calling people random names in Japanese (which they don't understand) is cruel and unusual torture!

Hope you all liked this. R&R!!

-Jojo-


	5. Lily Doesn't Like a Stalker

Disclaimer: I do not own the Marauders. I wish I did, because then I could pull a HUGE end of the year prank, but I can't, because then I'll start high school in suspension. Rents wouldn't be happy. Anyway…

-Last Time-

/Marauders go down to Great Hall, only to find Malfoy talking to Lily outside the doors/

Malfoy: And I just wanted to say, Lily, that I love you.

James: DIE MALFOY! /Lunges forward and lands between Lily and Malfoy/

Lily: /Slightly freaked out/ Ok, um, bye! /Runs off/

Malfoy: Wait! Lily! My love!

James: I'LL KILL YOU MALFOY!

Malfoy: /Runs away screaming like a girl/

James: /Chases after him/

Sirius: /Sighs/ Well, Remus. I'm hungry. Feel like going to breakfast?

Remus: Sure.

/James is trying to strangle Malfoy in the background. Remus and Sirius head into Great Hall without looking back/

**Chapter 5: Lily Doesn't Like a Stalker**

Sirius: Well, I think our stalking has fallen down quite a bit.

James: What do you mean?

Sirius: Well, it's kind of lacking it's appeal.

James: Really? Well, what I think is that we need a new, different, unexpected victim.

Sirius: Really? Do tell.

James: Ok. It's Lily.

Sirius: OH GOD NO!

Remus: ARE YOU NUTS, JAMES?

James: Uh, yeah.

Remus: Oh. Well are you suicidal?

James: Oh, you mean like this one character in a book that starts screaming "I am Eggman! I am Eggman! I'm the Walrus! Goo goo joob!"?

Remus: Yeah, that person.

James: Then no.

Sirius: But Lily will skin us all ALIVE if she finds out we're stalking her.

James: I don't care!

Remus: /Mutters/ Nutcase…

Peter: /Turns around from playing with a Strawberry Shortcake doll/ What are you talking about?

Remus: /Upon seeing the doll, screams and jumps behind his bed, yelling for liberation from the doll/ MAKE IT GO AWAY! IT WILL KILL US ALL!

Sirius: /Ignores Remus/ We were talking about the next person we can stalk.

Peter: Oh. Say, do you guys want to play dress up?

/Sirius, James, and Remus scream and run from the room, yelling about demon possession/

Peter: Strange. Don't you think so too, Strawberry Shortcake?

That night:

/Boys are under the invisibility cloak/

Sirius: PETER, YOU BLOODY IDIOT! GET AWAY FROM ME!

James: What'd he do?

Sirius: He violated my personal space!

Remus: That's kind of what's happening to everyone at the moment.

Sirius: Not…that…way…

James and Remus: SICKO! /Whack Peter/

Peter: /Starts screaming like a girl, begging for forgiveness. Finally drops to the ground, mostly black and blue and unconscious/

James: /Smooths back hair/ Well, I'd say our job is done.

Remus: Yup.

/Group continues down the stairs and into the common room/

Sirius: /Throws off the invisibility cloak/ I HAVE ARRIVED! /Bows down/ Thank you, my beautiful public.

Remus: Uh, Sirius? There's no one here.

Sirius: …SHUT UP!

Remus: I DID NOTHING!

Sirius: I don't feel loved anymore.

Remus: Aw, Sirius… /Moves to hug Sirius/

Sirius: DON'T TOUCH ME! I DON'T HUG ANYONE, NOT EVEN MY GUY FRIENDS! /Holds up arms defensively/

Remus: /Hugs Sirius anyway/

Sirius: GET OFF ME!

James: Break it up, you two. We have a job to do.

Remus: You made a rhyme.

James: I did? /Thinks about what he said/ I DID!

Sirius: I'm so proud of you, Jamesy! You rhymed!

James: /Begins crying tears of joy/ This is the happiest day of my life!

Remus: Uh, guys? If we don't start moving, people will hear us.

James and Sirius: Oh.

Sirius: Well, how do we get up the stairs?

James: /Pulls a broom out of nowhere/

Sirius: Wow, amazing! How'd you do that?

James: I'm a magician. You can do it too!

Sirius: Really? /Pulls a bottle of Firewhiskey out of nowhere/ SWEETNESS!!! /Starts drinking it/

Remus: Ok, let's get on the broom and then head up to the dormitory WITH the invisibility cloak on.

James: Roger that.

Remus and Sirius: /Questioning looks/

James: Uh, never mind.

/The three guys mount the broom and fly up the staircase. They hover in the air, listening to the girls' conversation inside/

Lily: I told you Victoria, I don't like James!

James: NO!!!!!!!!!!! /Starts to fall off broom/

Remus: /Stops James from falling off broom/

James: Thanks.

Remus: No problem.

Sirius: SHH!

Victoria: Well, Lily, he seems to like you. Why don't you give him a chance?

Lily: Because he's arrogant, pigheaded, and annoying! He stalks people!

Remus: /Mutters/ Well, that's not much to change…

Victoria: Whatever.

James: I've heard enough. Let's go.

/Girl's dormitory door suddenly opens. Lily is standing before them in a pair of shorts and a white t-shirt/

Lily: I could've sworn I heard talking out here.

James: /Jumps off broom/ Hey, Lily!

Lily: Screams What are you doing?

James: I came to see you! /Grabs Lily's hand/ I know that I'm arrogant, pigheaded, annoying, and stubborn. But I'll change, because I love you Lily!

Lily: /Screams and faints/

Victoria: Uh, you better leave. She'll want your skin for this.

James: No, don't tear me away from my love!

/Suddenly, the stairs change, and James slides down, screaming for Lily/

Remus: It's time to go!

Sirius: Goodbye, Vicky!

James: /From bottom of stairs/ NO!!

Lily: /Suddenly wakes up/ Oh my God! All the guys who love me are maniacs!

James: /Yelling from the common room/ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER MANIACS!

Lily: It's gonna be a LONG day tomorrow…

* * *

Hey! Sorry it's taken so long to update! TOMORROW IS MY LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!

Reviews:

im1smartblonde: numbah three!! Go Kimmi!! You figured it out, too!! I'd give you a cookie, but I don't have a cookie. So I'll give you candy! I HATE BLACKMAIL!! GR! But I kno u wouldn't.

piffluvsu: yup, Lily's a stud. LEAVES ARE SO MUCH FUN TO JUMP IN!

Hi Im Crazy: I know, Peter IS dumb!

Autumn Snow: Carebears are SCARY.

SIRIUS-IS-MINE: a small price to pay for being the girl that James likes.

Cherry Chalk: Peter IS stupid! Torturing him is the best thing to do, though.

o scorched eggy: limited vocabularies are always fun! And yes, I get inspiration from you through our notes. Uh oh. What am I going to do over the summer?

Thank you all for reading my story and reviewing. I love you all!! R&R!

-Jojo-


	6. Doing The Unthinkable

Disclaimer: I don't own The Marauders. What I DO own is a Vespa scooter. Wait, I don't even own that.

-Last Time-

Lily: /Screams and faints/

Victoria: Uh, you better leave. She'll want your skin for this.

James: No, don't tear me away from my love!

/Suddenly, the stairs change, and James slides down, screaming for Lily/

Remus: It's time to go!

Sirius: Goodbye, Vicky!

James: /From bottom of stairs/ NO!!

Lily: /Suddenly wakes up/ Oh my God! All the guys who love me are maniacs!

James: /Yelling from the common room/ I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER MANIACS!

Lily: It's gonna be a LONG day tomorrow…

**Chapter 6: Doing the Unthinkable**

Sirius: /Yawn/ I'm so tired. And there's no one to stalk.

James: I know. This is the pits.

Remus: Well, what do you suggest we do?

James: I dunno, Moony. I really don't know.

Peter: I have an idea!!

Group: /Groans/

James: Fine, what is it? I'm bored enough to do it.

Peter: Well, we could redecorate the room in the color scheme I came up with. I was thinking shocking pink and light purple. Oh, with yellow accents! And, a Carebear border with Strawberry Shortcake comforters! Then, we can show the girls and the professors and invite everyone in for a tea party!!

James, Sirius, and Remus: /Jump off of beds and beat Peter unconscious with various objects, screaming/ YOU DOLT! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT WE WOULD EVER DO THAT! WE'RE REALLY STARTING TO DOUBT IF YOU'RE STRAIGHT OR NOT!

James: Well, I take back what I said earlier. I'm NOT bored enough to do that.

Sirius: /Nods/ But you guys, I don't doubt whether or not Peter's straight.

Remus: What do you mean?? He wanted to redecorate the room! In pink!

Sirius: /Mutters/ Pink's not that bad a color, it's the color of my room at home…/Coughs/ I mean, I KNOW he's not straight!

James: Too true.

Remus: I second the motion.

Sirius: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

Remus: How am I supposed to know?

Sirius: Good point. Well, I'll be off. I have work to do.

James: /Suspicious/ What do you mean?

Sirius: Well, um, I have work to do.

Remus: /Also Suspicious/ Like what?

Sirius: Um…personal stuff. Bye now! /Runs out of Gryffindor Tower/

James: Hmm…I don't trust what he's doing.

Remus: Neither do I. Well, time to stalk!

James: Yes. But wait a minute. /Grabs camera/ Ok, I'm ready.

Peter: /Suddenly wakes up/ What are we doing?

James: Stalking Sirius. Now shush, Remus is giving a speech.

Remus: /Clears throat/ Now, men, we are going on a dangerous mission. We will do the impossible, the unthinkable: We will stalk Sirius.

James and Peter: /Gasp/

Remus: Yes, I know, it's unbelievable. But we must do it, for the good of humanity. I don't know if we shall survive this, but we'll give it our best shot. Understood?  
James and Peter: Yes sir! /Salute/

James: Hey, how come you're giving the speech and I'm not?

Remus: Um…because I'm smarter…

James: Oh, ok. Well, let's go! It's time for battle!

/Throw on the invisibility cloak and run out after Sirius/

Three hours later:

Remus: We've been looking for Sirius for forever!

James: We must keep looking! I must find out what he's doing!

Remus: Getting a little obsessive, are we?

James: Not as obsessive as you are about chocolate.

Remus: /Straightens up/ Did you say chocolate? Where is it? I must find it!!

James: Calm down!

Remus: /Begins jumping up and down, looking for chocolate/

James: /Grabs Remus by the shoulders and starts to shake him/ THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE!

Remus: NO! There has to be!

James: Well, I have some in my pocket…

Remus: GIVE IT TO ME! /Tackles James to the ground/

James: /Gives it to him/ Just get off of me! It's just…wrong!

Remus: Oh, sorry mate.

James: No harm done, Moony. Now, let's go.

/Marauders continue until they find an empty classroom with Sirius inside/

/Sirius is wearing a black trench coat and black hat. Three other figures in all black are inside/

Sirius: /Glances around/ So, do you have /Shifty eyes/ the goods?

Figure 1: /Nods and pulls out…/

James: /Gasp/ No, it can't be!

Remus: I don't believe it! It's impossible!

Peter: What is it? I don't see it!

James: /Whacks Peter and Peter falls to the ground unconscious/

Remus: I thought that stuff was outlawed.

James: I never thought that Sirius would become involved in illegal dealings.

Remus: We've got to go in.

James: /Nod/

James and Remus: /Burst into the classroom, wands up/

Remus: Freeze! You're under arrest!

James: Well, not technically. You're just in big trouble, SIRIUS!

Sirius: /Gasps/ How did you know where I was?

James: I figured it out using my highly intelligent mind.

/Crickets chirp/

Sirius: Tell me how you really know.

James: We guessed.

Sirius: Oh, ok.

Remus: What have you got there?

Sirius: Oh, um…nothing…

Remus and James: /Seize hidden package and rip it open/

James: Sirius! How could you?

Remus: I thought better of you, Sirius. I thought you could overcome something like this. I thought you were stronger than this.

Sirius: /Falls to knees crying/ I'm so sorry! I just couldn't resist!

James: So you had to go and get this. /Holds up a box of Twinkies/

Sirius: I couldn't resist! They taste so good!

Remus: /Pulls one out and starts to eat it/

James: Remus, NO!

Remus: Hey, these are pretty good.

James: No, I've lost my other best friend!

Peter: /Pops up in room/ You still have me.

James: /Coughs/ As I said, I've lost my other best friend!

Remus: Oh, shut up and try one. /Shoves a Twinkie in James' mouth/

James: /Chews and looks thoughtful for a minute/ Hey, these ARE good.

Peter: Can I try one?

James: Uh, we'd better keep these to test them…wouldn't want you dying on us…

Peter: Ok. I feel loved!

James, Remus, Sirius: /Skeptical looks/

James: Well, Sirius, we owe you an apology.

Remus: Yeah, we're sorry.

Sirius: Aw, it's ok, guys. Group hug!

/Group hugs but Peter is kept out/

Remus: Well, what should we do now?

James: I vote that we go raid the kitchens. How about it?

Sirius: Good idea.

Remus: But, first, I vote that we beat Peter unconscious and finish off the Twinkies.

Peter: NO!! /Runs off screaming for his Mommy/

Sirius: Well, that takes care of that. Cheers, mates.

* * *

Hey! I'm back! I kept trying to think of someone to stalk, and then I came up with this! I hope it's good. I think the funniness is dropping, but I'll try to fix that. Anyway, on to reviews!

Hi Im Crazy: Peter is a moron! And go ahead, hug Remus! I'll hug Sirius…

Cherry Chalk: Torturing Peter has become one of my favorite hobbies! Try it!

foxxy-chicca911: hitting Peter is an awesome hobby!

piffluvsu: Dreamcatcher DOES sound like a good book. Who IS Scooby Doo?? I think I shall find out Dons detective hat and pulls out magnifying glass NINJA PIRATES?? Oh, well, guess I better write out my will. Half my CDs to Ashley, Half to Kim, and you get my computer and rights to all my fics. Oh, and you also get my little brother. Have fun!

IloveMoony04: Whoa…u did a lot of laughing.

I'll try to make the next one funnier. I hope this ones good, though. That's the bad thing about no school. It's harder to come up with funny/random stuff with my friends to use in stories.

R&R!

-Jojo-


	7. What is Moony Doing at Night?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Marauders.  J.K. Rowling does, which I'm quite miffed about. 

---Last Time---

James: Well, Sirius, we owe you an apology. 

Remus: Yeah, we're sorry. 

Sirius: Aw, it's ok, guys.  Group hug!

Group hugs but Peter is kept out

Remus: Well, what should we do now?

James: I vote that we go raid the kitchens.  How about it?

Sirius: Good idea. 

Remus: But, first, I vote that we beat Peter unconscious and finish off the Twinkies.

Peter: NO!! Runs off screaming for his Mommy

Sirius: Well, that takes care of that.  Cheers, mates.

------

**Chapter 7: What is Moony Doing At Night?**

James: /Sits down at Gryffindor Table for breakfast/ Well, mates, I'd say that today will be a good day.  We don't have to see Snivellus and be reminded of those horrible pictures we took.

Sirius: /Nods in agreement/ That's what I love about our days off. 

Remus: /Nods/

Silence

James: Oh, to hell with it all!  We need to do something!

Sirius: But there's nothing to do, mate. 

Remus: /Nods/

James: I don't care!  I just need to get out of this bloody place!

Sirius: /Sarcastically/ Well in that case, just go stalk Evans.

James: /Brightens at the suggestion/ Perfect!  Thanks, Sirius!  /Runs out of Great Hall/

Sirius: /Yells/ I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, YOU DOLT!

Remus: Too late, he's gone.

Sirius: /Groans/ At least I've still got you, Moony.

Remus: /Pulls a book out of his bag and starts reading/ Yeah, you do, Sirius.  /Goes back to reading/

Sirius: This sucks.  No one cares enough to be my friend. 

Peter: I'M your friend.

Sirius: Moony?  Did you hear something?

Remus: /Engrossed in book/ Huh, uh, no, I didn't.

Sirius: Oh, ok.

Peter: Hello!  I'm not invisible!

Sirius: Hey, maybe I should invite someone to sit across from me, what do you think, Moony?

Peter: I'M SITTING ACROSS FROM YOU!

Sirius: There it goes again.  What could it be?

Peter: I'M WEARING MY CAREBEAR T-SHIRT!  HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE ME!

Sirius: /Suddenly notices Peter in Carebear t-shirt/ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! /Dives under table/ Make it go away, Moony!  It wants to kill me!

Remus: /Still reading/ Uh, yeah, sure, whatever…

Later that night up in boy's dormitory:

James: /Nursing a sore cheek/ Lily hits hard.

Remus: Well, that's what you get for stalking her.  Again.

James: At least I figured out that she's taking Ancient Ruins.  Now I can send her love notes.

Sirius: James, if you do that, I'm disowning you.

James: You're mean, you know that?

Sirius: No, I'm just devilishly good-looking.

Silence

Remus: Wow, that wasn't random… /Goes back to book/

Sirius: Well, it's true!

Remus: /Looks at watch/ Well, I've got to be going.  See you all later! /Runs out of Gryffindor Tower/

James: /Suspicious look/ I wonder what he's doing, Padfoot. 

Sirius: /Groans/ You aren't thinking of stalking again, are you?

James: Actually, I am. 

Sirius: Great!  Cause I wanted to do just that! 

James: Well, what are we waiting for?  Let's go!

/Boys pull on Invisibility Cloak and head out, leaving Peter with his Shortcake doll and dreams of the Carebears/

Ten Minutes Later:

James: OW!  Padfoot, watch it!

Sirius: Well you try walking under a cloak with another guy!  There's not much space!

James: I AM doing it, Padfoot!

Sirius: Oh, right…Sorry, Prongs.  Forgot you were there…

James: Wow, don't I feel loved!  /Begins crying/

Sirius: Oh, I'm sorry Jamesy! /Hugs James/

James: I'm sorry, too, Siri! /Hugs Sirius/

/Boys jump apart, coughing/

Sirius: I think we're done with THAT…

James: Agreed.  Now, let's look for Remus…

Sirius: I thought I just saw him heading down to the dungeons…

James: Sweet.  Now I can knick some ingredients for a love potion to use on Lily…

Sirius: /Gives James a weird look/ I worry about you, Prongs.  I worry if you're straight or not.  But then, I'm reminded that you STALK the GIRL you LIKE.  Which only makes me worry more.

James: I'm happy for you.  Are you done, or can we hurry up and find Remus?

Sirius: I'm done. 

James: Ok.

/Boys head to dungeons, but Remus is not there/

James: ARGH!  Where could Remus Bloody Lupin be?

Sirius: I don't know.  Why don't you know?  After all, you have the "highly intelligent" mind, Merlin.

James: That was yesterday.  Today, my smarts are the same as yours, Sirius.

Sirius: We're doomed!

James: Do you realize that you just insulted yourself?

Sirius: Er…no I didn't!

James: That's right, you didn't!

Sirius: /Smug grin/

/Boys head down the halls aimlessly until they hear an evil cackle coming from a nearby classroom with green light coming from underneath the door/

James: /Whispers/ Do Nothing could be more obvious, could it?

Sirius: I don't think so.

James: Ok.  On my mark. /Stands on one side of the door/

Sirius: /Stands on the other side/

Meanwhile:

Remus: /Standing over black cauldron with fog rising from it and green light coming from the potion/ Mwahahahahaha!  Mwahahahaha!  Ahaha /Cough, choke, splutter/ Ahahaha!  With this potion, I shall take over the world and gain what I've always desired!  The woman I love!  Mwahahahaha!

James: /Nods/

/Sirius and James burst into the room, wands up/

James: Alright, nobody move!  This is a stick up!

Sirius: Uh, James?  Wrong line.

James: Oh, sorry. 

Remus: What are you guys doing here?!

James: Following you! 

Remus: Why?

Sirius: Um…for…reasons that you need not know.  Yeah, that's it…

Remus: You forgot, didn't you?

Sirius: /Hangs head shamefully/ Yes…

James: So, Remus, who is the one you love?

Remus: /Looks uncomfortable/ Um, well, you wouldn't know her…

James: I know the name of every girl in the school.  Try me.

Remus: Wow, you get around, don't you, Prongs?

James: Nah, I just hear a lot of gossip.  Masquerading as a girl has its advantages.

Remus and Sirius: WHAT?!

James: Oh, um, nothing…

Remus: I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that…

Sirius: I'm trying to get rid of the visuals…

James: ANYWAY, Remus, who do you like?

Sirius: He likes Lily!

James: How do you know this, Padfoot? /Gives Moony a murderous look/ And if it's true, Moony, I'll kill you.

Sirius: Well, every guy likes Lily.  Why should Moony be different?

James: Huh.  Too true.  I mean, no one can resist her.  I mean, just look at her beautiful—

Sirius: GETTING TOO VISUAL!

James: I thought that every guy like Lily.

Sirius: I excluded myself from the count.

/Short pause/

James: God, Sirius!  You could have told me if you got a sex change!

Sirius: WHAT THE HELL?!

Remus: BLOODY HELL, SIRIUS! 

Sirius: I DIDN'T!  James is being stupid as usual!  He misunderstood me!

James: I did not!

Sirius: Well, if I got a sex change, then so did you, Mr. Cross-dresser!

James: /Points wand at Sirius/ TAKE THAT BACK!

Sirius: /Points wand at James/ NEVER!

James: You asked for it!  Au Guard!

/Begin fighting, using their wands as swords/

Sirius: Touché. 

James: What are you talking about?

Sirius: I don't know.  I just thought that I should say it.

James: Oh.

Remus: ENOUGH! 

/James and Sirius turn to look at Remus/

Remus: Let's just go back and plot ways to embarrass Snape, okay?

James: Sounds good to me.

Sirius: Me too.

/Boys head back/

Sirius: Hey, Moony, what was the potion for?

Remus: Oh, um, world domination…/Thinking:/ No way.  It was to win Lily over!  And THEN we would take over the world!  
James: Well, let's go get a good night's sleep.  I want to be at my best when I embarrass Snivellus tomorrow.

Sirius: Agreed.

Remus: But guys.  What will we do to him?

James, Sirius, and Remus: /Pondering looks/

James: We'll figure it out in the morning.  Right now, I want to dream of Lily!

Sirius and Remus: /Groan and throw pillows at James/ Shut up and go to sleep, you dolt.

Hey!  Well, I think it could have been better at the beginning.  But the chapter is longer than normal, so I guess it all works out.  Reviews:

im1smartblonde: /shifty eyes/ remember, we worked out the deal about the comps…and yeah, the threats worked pretty well.

Hi Im Crazy: Carebear Lover=NUTCASE! Twinkies rock! 

SIRIUS-IS-MINE: a good moment in Sirius' life.

piffluvsu: he won't sell for much.  The purple wiggle?  Time to apply for life insurance with money that I don't have…but hey, that won't matter if I'm dead, right?

Cherry Chalk: Twinkies.  Need I say more?  Well, I've got to go give Peter his nightly dosage of torture. /Picks up mallet and walks out/

o scorched eggy: or COURSE we don't think alike.  That's ridiculous.  Let's work on the fic soon.  And our stories are too much alike…

R&R!

Jojo


	8. James Goes Mental

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I just own the messed up plot…or IS there a plot?

---Last Time---

Sirius: Hey, Moony, what was the potion for?

Remus: Oh, um, world domination…/Thinking:/ No way. It was to win Lily over! And THEN we would take over the world!  
James: Well, let's go get a good night's sleep. I want to be at my best when I embarrass Snivellus tomorrow.

Sirius: Agreed.

Remus: But guys. What will we do to him?

James, Sirius, and Remus: /Pondering looks/

James: We'll figure it out in the morning. Right now, I want to dream of Lily!

Sirius and Remus: /Groan and throw pillows at James/ Shut up and go to sleep, you dolt.

----------

**Chapter 8: James Goes Mental**

/The Marauders are lounging on the grass by the lake as they sunbathe/

James: This idea was pure gold, Sirius. Now, Lily won't be able to resist me with my golden brown tan!

Sirius: /Trying to refrain from laughing, as James has the complexion of a tomato/ Of course she wont, mate. Of course.

Remus: /Glances up from book/ It's not like you guys to be so…calm. What's up?

Sirius: Moony, we're just taking a day off from our jobs.

Remus: /Raises eyebrow/ Jobs?

James: /Nods/ Didn't you know that we've been hired as troublemakers of the school?

Remus: /Looking doubtful/ By who?

Sirius: The Head Girl and Boy.

Remus: /Gasp/ You're joking, right?

James: Not a chance, mate. Now just relax and tan. Maybe you'll end up looking as good as me.

Remus: /Smirks/ That will be hard to do, James.

James: Yes, I know.

Peter: /Suddenly appears carrying a Carebears beach towel and is wearing Teletubbies swim trunks/ What's happening, guys?

Sirus: Not you, Peter.

Peter: But this was the latest look in my magazine.

Remus: Which one, Peter?

Peter: /Thinks/ Digest for the Extremely Happy Man.

Sirius: /Stifles a laugh/ Oh yeah, Peter, it's the latest for a man of your stature.

Peter: /Grins, lays out towel and begins to sunbathe/

James: Hey! I just remembered something! I'll see you all later! /Suddenly runs off/

Sirius: James is acting awfully strange.

Remus: It's just your overactive imagination. Now shut up and sunbathe. You want to attract SOME girls, right?

Sirius: Oh, right. /Goes back to sunbathing/

That night in the dormitory:

Sirius: /Is sitting on bed, reading what seems to be the Daily Prophet/

James: Why Padfoot, I didn't know that you read the Daily Prophet!

Sirius: A man like myself should. /Goes back to reading/ Hey! There's a great tip for making your windows more attractive in here!

Remus: /Becomes suspicious. Walks over and takes the Daily Prophet, only to reveal…/

James: Witch Weekly?! Sirius, what the bloody hell!!

Sirius: I read it for the recipes. /Shifty eyes/

James and Remus: Riiiiiiiiight…

James: /Glances at watch/ Well, mates, I've got to be going. Ta ta! /Runs out of Gryffindor Tower/

Sirius: I have a feeling that he's up to something.

Remus: You're overreacting. Again.

Sirius: You're probably right, Moony. Then again, you're always right. Why am I never right?

Remus: Because you're not a Prefect.

Sirius: THAT explains it. /Thinks hard for a moment/ WAIT! GREAT SCOTT, I'VE GOT IT!

Remus: /Rolls eyes/ What have you thought of this time?

Sirius: THE PREFECT BADGE GIVES YOU POWERS!

Remus: /Groans and throws a pillow at Sirius/ Let's go find out what James is doing. It's got to be healthier than you thinking.

Sirius: Yeah…

Remus: /Smirks/

Twenty Minutes Later:

Sirius: Are we there yet, Remus?

Remus: /Sighs/ I don't know "where" IS, Sirius!

Sirius: Oh, ok.

/Silence/

Sirius: Remus, are we there YET?

Remus: NO, Sirius, we aren't.

Sirius: Ok.

/Silence/

Sirius: Remus, are we the—

Remus: IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME I'LL CURSE YOU INTO OBLIVION!

Sirius: Ok. Sheesh, no need to get so hostile.

Remus: /Rolls eyes/

Suddenly:

Sirius: Do you hear that?

Remus: /Listens carefully/ If you mean high pitched singing, then yes.

Sirius: I think we found our mate.

Remus: /Sarcastic/ Brilliant deduction, Merlin.

Sirius: /Beams/ Thank you.

Remus and Sirius: /Creep over to the door and peer in through the crack/

Remus: My. God.

Sirius: BLOODY HELL!

Remus: We have to save him!

Sirius: Yes! Commando op 003! Move!

Sirius and Remus: /Burst through the door, revealing James in a room with pictures of Lily plastered all over. He's sitting at a piano, writing a song and singing lyrics. On a table is a brick that Lily threw at him, protected by a glass case. Poems are all over the table, all written about Lily/

Sirius: Don't worry, James! We're here to save you!

James: Wha?

Remus: We have to hurry, Sirius!

Remus and Sirius: /Grab James' arms and start dragging him out/

James: I DON'T WANT TO BE SAVED! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Remus: /Shakes head/ He's delusional! We have to hurry! His life is on the line!

Sirius: NO, JAMES! Don't leave me! Just hold on!

James: I'M FINE! LET ME GO!

Remus and Sirius: /Let go/

James: /Rubs arms/ Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

Remus and Sirius: /Grab James' arms again/

Sirius: No, you don't.

James: YES I DO!

Remus: Mate, if you're that obsessed, then we HAVE to save you. /Nods to Sirius/

Sirius: /Nods and whacks James on the head, knocking him out/ Let's hope he won't be dreaming of Lily.

Remus: I doubt that.

Sirius: Well, we can torch the room to save him.

Remus: THAT'S BLOODY BRILLIANT!

Sirius: /Smirks/ You like fire, don't you?

Remus: /Hides lighters behind his back/ Um, no. /Shifty eyes/

Sirius: Oh, ok. Well, let's go!

Remus: Gladly!

James: /Wakes up, only to see all of Lily's pictures on fire/ LILY! /Faints/

Remus: /Shakes head/ He's gone mental.

Sirius: Well, now he fits in with us.

Remus: Too true.

* * *

Hey! I'm back! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but my computer was being stupid. Well, here's the next chapter. Hope you all like it!

Reviews:

Saxifrage: Good idea. I'll use that for the next chapter. Mwahahahaha…

Cherry Chalk: FINALLY! SOMEONE CREATES THAT CLUB! /cough/ Yes, I'd like to join.

HiImCrazy: took my story off, due to the lack of correctly rating it…so I reposted. Ah, those are good times.

piffluvsu: Yes, no more Dreamcatcher for Jenna. Scooby Doo is on a lunchbox?? I must investigate!

o scorched eggy: no more love! I feel accomplished

well, that's it for now. I'll try to update again soon.

---Jojo---


	9. The True Identity of Filch

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter or the Marauders, there would be books out on the Marauders at the moment and I would be rich. Needless to say, neither is true.

---Last Time---

Sirius: Well, we can torch the room to save him.

Remus: THAT'S BLOODY BRILLIANT!

Sirius: /Smirks/ You like fire, don't you?

Remus: /Hides lighters behind his back/ Um, no. /Shifty eyes/

Sirius: Oh, ok. Well, let's go!

Remus: Gladly!

James: /Wakes up, only to see all of Lily's pictures on fire/ LILY! /Faints/

Remus: /Shakes head/ He's gone mental.

Sirius: Well, now he fits in with us.

Remus: Too true.

-------------

**Chapter 9: The True Identity of Filch**

Sirius: I just realized that there is one important person that we have neglected to gather blackmail on.

James: Really? Who?

Sirius: Filch.

Remus: Are you sure? I mean, I'm not sure that I want to find out who he really is. All the past events have traumatized me.

Peter: Me too!

Sirius: Oh, have some guts you guys! We can do this!

Remus: /Looking doubtful/ You can do what you want, but I prefer to be left out.

James and Sirius: /Mischievous grins/

James: I don't think so, Moony.

Remus: /Backs up against wall/ Uh, guys? Stop looking at me like that.

Sirius: /Pulls off hideous mask/ Oh, sorry Moony. Just giving it a try for Halloween.

Remus: Oh, ok.

James and Sirius: /Tackle Remus to the ground/

James: You're coming anyway!

Remus: NO!

Sirius: We need your intellect on this trip, mate!

Remus: /Curls up into a ball/ I feel so…used.

James: Sorry, Moony, but you have to get over it. We've got a mission to accomplish!

Sirius: TALLY HO!

/Blank stares/

Sirius: Well _I_ thought it was a good war cry…

**Half an Hour Later:**

Remus: Oh yeah, "Tally Ho" was SUCH a great war cry that it got Peeves hopping mad enough to throw umbrellas at us!

Sirius: Hopping mad? I like the sound of that!

Remus: /Rolls eyes/

James: Now, where could Filch be? /Pulls out magnifying glass and examines the ground/

Sirus: How about we check his office?

James: That's a brilliant idea, Sirius!

Sirius: /Whips out notebook and begins writing/ April 29- I had a brilliant idea.

/Marauders continue through the hallways towards Filch's office/

Peter: Are we there yet?

Remus: /Eye twitches/

James: Yes, Peter.

Sirius: Hey, look! The door!

James: Wonderful observation, Sirius!

Sirius: /Whips out notebook again and writes/ I had a wonderful observation.

/Marauders slip in/

Peter: He's not here.

Sirius: Thank you, Mr. Obvious

Peter: That's not my name!

James: /Groans and smacks Peter/

Peter: What was that for?

Sirius: Peter? Shut up. /Whacks Peter unconscious/

Remus: Well that solves our Peter problem. But what about our "Where's Filch" problem?

Sirius: Do you hear that? It's coming from the other side of the filing cabinet.

James: /Creeps over, only to see a curtain covering a portion of the wall. He peers in/ Bloody hell, he needs a life.

Remus: What? What is it?

Sirius and Remus: /Run over/

Sirius: Bloody. Hell.

/Filch is inside, fanning Mrs. Norris with a palm leaf as she eats tuna fish/

Filch: Mrs. Norris, you are the most amazing creature—

Mrs. Norris: /Hiss/

Filch: --I mean, person that has ever lived.

Mrs. Norris: /Purrs/

James: Can anyone say obsession?

Sirius: Oh! I can!

Remus: I'm proud of you, Sirius!

Sirius: /Beams/ I know.

Filch: Mrs. Norris, I love you so much. Will you marry me?

Remus: OK, TIME TO GO.

Sirius: MY EYES! OH, I CAN'T SEE!

James: No more Filch, no more Filch, no more Filch…

/Marauders leave, dragging Peter/

**Next Day:**

/Marauders are sitting at the breakfast table, talking about the previous night's events/

Sirius: I couldn't sleep; I thought I would keep seeing Filch proposing to the cat.

James: /Shaking head/ Too horrific…

Filch: /Suddenly appears/ Hello.

Marauders: /Yelp/

Filch: /Grins/ Going to pull anymore pranks today?

Marauders: NO! JUST PLEASE, DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

* * *

Hello! I'm back! I hope this is good. Sorry for the long wait.

Reviews:

Cherry Chalk: Tar…chocolate…feathers…NO FUN!

piffluvsu: u CAN call me stupid, because I have frequent bouts of the disease…yes, it's a disease…IT IS, I SWEAR!

o scorched eggy: Remus IS a prefect, but NOT head boy. In book five, he and Sirius were talking about being PREFECTS. NOT about being Head Boy. So ha! Just ask Cherry Chalk about the club. I'm looking forward to joining it, myself.

harrylissa=luv: thank you!

LilsProngs4eva: Thank you!

R&R!

---Jojo---


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